posted by bzedan at 11:40am on 12/04/2025 under meta
I think one can do pinned here? Or "sticky"?? Anyway, I just went and cleaned up some weird code that the linkback from my WP plugin was doing and figured that I should note: more often than not, what you see here is just mirroring my blog-blog! But I do reply to comments here, obvi, the posts just *originate* mostly from another place.
In the spirit of putting some useful things right up top, here's a the intro from my Tumblr, where I am the most active:
The sylph rummaged in his fallen captor’s pockets while Ian explained. Emily and Tanis stood by the troll’s fire, Tanis warming her hands. Their shadows cast long, not quite touching the dead bodies.
“Air spirits. Stealthy and quick—”
“And therefore, the best way to employ our time is as servants and assassins.” The sylph looked up from where he crouched, holding a small bag. “Could one of you humans check what’s inside this for me? I can’t touch it.”
“Why, ’cause you’re ethereal?” Emily stomped a little as she walked over.
“No, because I think this is iron.”
“Oh.” Emily hesitated, but took the bag.
“I’m not ethereal anyway, obviously.”
“You couldn’t have killed those guys without some substance.” Tanis turned to warm her back, still keeping an eye on the sylph. “Why’d you kill them all, anyway?”
“Same reason you fools all decided it would be wise to free an unknown from trolls that could have easily killed you. It’s my nature.”
Emily spilled the contents of the bag into her hand. “Huh, nails.” With a frown, she quickly dumped them back and held out the bag to Tanis. “You could use these, make a spiky club or something.”
“A mace.” Tanis shrugged, “sure, but so could you.”
“Yeah, but you’re human.”
At this, the sylph looked over from where he sat, sorting what he’d stolen from the trolls.
Ian reached down and grabbed Emily’s arm. “Let me see.” His hand engulfed hers, but he was careful with his long, thick nails. Turning her palm up exposed swollen criss-crossed white lines that burned red on the edges. “Dammit, Emily, you should know better.”
“Yeah, but what if they hadn’t left a mark?”
“Then you’d still be an idiot.”
Tanis took Emily’s hand in her own, dangling the bag of nails. “Iron did this?”
“Yeah, it’s bad for fairies.” Emily jerked her hand free and folded her arms.
“Does it hurt other Folk more?”
“Probably.” Emily shrugged. “We should go back to the hare. You could do with a few more hours of sleep, I bet.”
The sylph started to follow them as they left the circle of firelight.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Ian scowled, turning back.
The sylph gave him a hint of a smile. “Coming along.”
“Um, no. We’re good on our own.” Emily had her arm around Tanis and looked over her shoulder. “You’re a stranger and you kill people.”
“What, them?” The sylph flipped his hand at the bodies. “They’re not truly dead. By morning they’ll have been absorbed back into the earth and in a couple of days they’ll pop back out, good as new.”
Tanis scrunched her nose. “Ew.”
“Huh, like mushrooms, but not really.” Emily frowned. “Still, why should we let you join us?”
“No reason, really. But I’m bored and you lot seem interesting.” He shrugged a sharp, broad shoulder disdainfully. “And you saved me. It’d be strange for you not to follow through on your offer of hospitality.”
Emily exchanged glances with Tanis and Ian, then shrugged. “Fine, but put the fire out, be responsible.”
They left the sylph and walked back to their camp. Emily figured he could find them when he was done.
***
They built a small fire and Tanis methodically unwrapped her hands, dropping something shiny into the front pocket of her backpack.
“You brought your brass knuckles?” Emily laughed.
“Yes,” Tanis was very matter of fact. “I figured, since I was bringing my hand wraps, I’d toss them in too.”
“That you even brought those—” Emily shook her head, trailing off. she looked at Tanis in the firelight, searching her face for damage or worry. Feeling eyes on her, Tanis looked up, meeting Emily’s gaze. She smiled, gave Emily a kiss and stretched out for a few more hours of sleep before dawn.
“You still look like you, even as an ogre.” Tanis’ voice was soft as she smiled up at Ian. “Good job, buddy.” Her breathing settled and the others moved to the opposite side of the fire, the hare pressing Emily and Ian for details. They quietly filled him in, Emily wincing more from embarrassment than pain when she showed him her hand.
“You really—”
“Should have known better, I know. But I use cast iron pans at home and it’s no big.” She bit her lip, thinking. “It really didn’t start to hurt until I wondered why it didn’t.”
The hare looked up at her through his lashes, but didn’t say anything. They finished telling him what happened, coming to the sylph’s decision to join them right as he walked into their circle of firelight, trailing a small gust of wind with him as a train. Emily was certain he’d been standing in the shadows, waiting for the perfect dramatic moment.
Before the sylph could say anything, the hare was rooting around Tanis’ backpack for his camera.
“Young man, you will be a perfect addition to my studies. Your kind do not often visit the Institute, so you’ve been severely under-represented.”
“Hare, dammit.” Emily hissed as she batted his paws away and pulled the camera out. “You’re going to fall in. Also, get out of her things.” She loaded the camera with fresh film.
The hare was not too excited to be annoyed. “She’s carrying my things.”
“Yeah, and she can stop doing that at any time.” Emily gave the hare his camera and he padded up to the sylph, who hadn’t moved from the spot he’d theatrically stepped into. He looked uncomfortable.
“Please don’t make faces.” The hare brusquely chided before taking a shot. “One more please, hold your pose—there.” The flash went off and the sylph reflexively took a step back. The hare grumbled as he examined the developing prints. “If you ruined my picture, we’ll just have to do it again, only without you acting like a baby.”
The sylph started to apologise, but looked up to see Emily and Ian quietly laughing, even half-asleep Tanis snorted before snuggling deeper under the covers. Stirring a dust devil, the Sylph spun on his heel and strode back into the forest.
“You were bored, you said! You wanted to join us, you said!” Emily called after him. “Well, buddy, this is who we are.”
Tanis looked up at Emily, who stooped over her for a kiss.
“You feeling okay?” Emily’s eyes held all the concern her voice didn’t.
“Yeah, we’re a good team.” Tanis’ smiling face sobered with sleep. “I didn’t really do anything, or hurt anybody much. We’ll see how I do next time.”
“There won’t be a next time.” Emily gave her another kiss.
“Lies. Tell Ian he looks great as an ogre.” She shut her eyes with determination.
Emily smiled at Tanis’ face relaxing into sleep. Brushing dirt from her knees, she wandered around the fire. The hare was nearby, muttering to himself as he compared Polaroids in the flickering light. Squatting on her heels by Ian, Emily stared over the flames at Tanis.
“She said you make a good ogre.”
“I make a pretty decent ogre, for somebody who wasn’t born doing it.”
“Don’t get down on yourself, man. Why do that?”
Ian waved a blocky hand. “It’s true. And I should have made a better stand against the trolls, instead of lucking out and letting that sylph do it.”
“Shut up.” Emily shook her head. “We’re all learning here.”
“Except me.” The hare interjected before turning back to his photographs.
“Fuck off, hare.” Emily kicked dirt at him. “You’re learning about that aura shit. Ian’s learning his place as an ogre in the Sidhe, I’m learning how to be open and communicative with my girlfriend, who is learning about my weird-ass past.” She tilted her head, watching the fire. “I mean, we’re all learning a bunch more stuff too, but that’s life, Ian. Always room for improvement. You stagnate; you die.”
“Okay,” Ian snorted.
“My advice is good and consoling, appreciate it. Maybe like, just stay in ogre form. Really take a chance to live in it.”
“That is actually pretty good advice. But the hare’s carrier wasn’t built to be adjustable, so I can’t wear it in ogre form.”
Emily wrinkled her nose. “And Tanis and I already are carrying bags, plus neither of us want to carry the hare.”
Ian and Emily both guiltily looked towards the hare, but he was busy scratching notes into a beat-up leather book and didn’t seem to have noticed.
“You could wait to change back until morning.”
“I prefer to do it at night.”
“Like a werewolf?” “Or like somebody with a sense of modesty. I’m not cool with being naked in front of you guys. Or you watching me change. It probably looks gross. I’ve read Animorphs.” Ian dug his claw-nailed toes into the dirt. “I mean, I’ve naturally got less fingers than a human does right now. I know my hands look deeply upsetting when I shift.”
“Ha, ogres must have a base eight system.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
Emily shrugged. “Neither do I.”
Ian got up and wandered outside the ring of firelight, into the black wall of night. Emily watched the fire and Tanis, worrying about Ian’s vulnerability as he changed back into human form. She tried not to look too relieved when he came back, still folding his kilt, which Emily was now certain was the fabric she’d bought for curtains last spring and thought she’d misplaced.
He pulled a pack of playing cards out of a cargo pocket and played solitaire while Emily rolled more cigarettes. Eventually, he dealt hands and they rotated through different games with the casualness of people who’d been bullshitting each other at cards for years. The hare tried to join in a round of four-of-a-kind, but he couldn’t hold the cards and kept accusing the others of looking.
“It’s difficult not to when you just lay them out on the ground like that, but I’m not trying to cheat.” Emily kept her eyes on her hand. “Believe me or stop playing.”
The hare stopped playing.
Dawn broke through the canopy, spilling cold morning light across the ground. They let the fire settle into coals and Emily woke Tanis when the dim edges of dawn had cleared.
The hare reassured them that the jump was close by and they started off after both Tanis and Emily separately checked that the fire was dead and ashes scattered.
The jump was actually closer than the hare had thought. Emily was only a couple of drags into her cigarette before they reached it. Two paper birches, peeling delicately, stood as a stark white door frame in a clearing just off the path.
“So, we could have gone through last night.” Emily rolled her eyes.
“It’s probably better that we didn’t, I was getting pretty tired.” Tanis shifted the backpack straps. “And we had an encounter.”
“Yes, it was a real teaching moment.”
Tanis stuck her tongue out at Emily and they walked through the jump.
I feel like I really hit a range this month, a little bit of all the things I love, both genre and theme. I had a nice time with all of them too (not true for a book I’m in the middle of rn). Let’s get to looking at ’em!!
Will every entry in this series be my new favourite Ana & Din book?! In a gnarly world, this one is particularly so, with its fungus (that I didn’t realise was on the cover until I checked it out!) and meat and madness.
I believe this is the first Ana and Din book I’ve read post-reading some of the Nero Wolfe books and the relationship to them thematically is so obvious now, how delightful! This was a particularly grody and fairy tale like entry into the series and I: predictably loved it.
The writing in this scratches at the edges of your mind, it’s truly creepy in a unrelenting way that doesn’t quite let you breathe and the pace one finds reading it is driven to see things to their bloody end. You can see it as a British folk horror film, the kind stalking the cinema just before the whole Video Nasties furore, which feels quite right, given the plot revolving around film.
Still thinking about this one a bit! We just rewatched The J-Horror Virus (have a link to a Fangoria article about it) and it had me thinking about the cycles and ages and influences in horror and media about horror. I will need to check out more by Ramsey Campbell, I quite liked the writing style in this.
Whew whew whew, from an achingly accurate depiction of intrusive thoughts and obsessions to the far too real horrors of the early pandemic, this story grabs you by the arm, nails digging in, until you see the ghosts as well.
Boy oh boy this is a good one. I liked it more than Baker’s Japanese Gothic, for various reasons. I really enjoy a book that has people who go “okay ghosts are real and great news, we do have cultural experience in dealing with this.” The intrusive thoughts are very very very well depicted here in how they feel, for me at least, which amps things quite a bit, so heads up.
Here’s the array of decent reads I had the pleasure of spending time with in August:
All You Need Is Kill is the light novel that the movie Edge of Tomorrow was based on and I (re) watched the movie after, which was fun. You can go look at my Recently Read on Storygraph to see my summaries of all of these, but I do want to call out Meddling Kids specifically:
There is SO MUCH going on in this book, which sometimes devolves into a script format and never neglects a chance to use parentheses or italics. The descriptive words are slathered on like thick margarine and sprinkles on an indulgent slice of fairy toast. Every trope is kissed on the mouth, some of them with tongue. It’s a riot and a winking, finger-gunning love letter to not just a type of story, but stories in general.
I love a book that finds a way to play with form and BOY did this. A recommended romp. Several of these books I picked up thanks to the “Five Books” recommendation lists from Reactor, a nice place to find a book to take a go with. Also dove into another old Dick Francis fave, always a nice time.
Emily slouched in the weird sling back chair in the living room and listened to the others argue at the dining table.
“Less chatting, more deciding.” She gave them a cold stare over her book and Tank, who’d been the instigator, hunched his shoulders and sighed.
“Okay,” he relented. “I’ll vote whatever Dawn votes.”
“Oh my god, I am so surprised.” Hannah’s disdain was incredibly well-rounded for someone who’d only just gotten their driver’s licence. “Well, that means we’re exactly split on the decision, thanks.” She pushed herself away from the table, chair legs squeaking against the already battered linoleum. “I’m going to watch makeup vids with Matty, text us when you guys figure your shit out.”
“Ian, do something!” Tank pushed his fingers through too-long, sun bleached hair, exasperated.
Ian laughed and called out at Hannah, through the screen door, “wait, no, stop! We’ll be trapped here forever unless we work as a team.” His sister flipped him off over her shoulder as she jumped down the last two stairs. He shrugged. “Fuck it, let’s flip a coin. I call heads.”
The sound of a quarter clattering as it landed was drowned out by groans from the losing side. Emily closed her book and stood, stretching.
“So, what’s the verdict?” She’d guessed, but tried to keep the hope from her face. She knew that she was incredibly biased, which is why she’d voted but kept out of the discussion after.
Abby matter-of-factly coiled her hair into a bun and jabbed a pencil through it before answering. “The nays have it. We won’t ask the hare to find out what happened to all of our parents, after.”
Emily let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. “Okay, that’s settled then. Of course, you’re all free beings and can inquire on your own time, but if you learn anything about somebody else’s family, you don’t volunteer the info, right?”
A chorus of yeses, some reluctant and whispered, answered. She closed her eyes for a moment, wishing she was older. “Let’s order delivery, okay?”
†
“The pack isn’t bothering you?”
“It’s like it’s empty and my feet are fine, before you ask.” Tanis gave Emily a gentle shove as they walked down the forest path. “Stop mom-ing. Aren’t you the one who says not to think about it?”
“It’s a mixture of curiosity and paranoia.” Emily hitched her bag around and pulled out the tobacco to roll a cigarette.
“Where’s all the worry for me?” Ian teased, reaching out to take the finished cigarette.
Emily sighed and handed it over, rolling herself another. “Ian, you can turn into an ogre. I have no reason to worry about you. Hare, are you comfortable?”
The hare shrugged from the basket on Ian’s back. “Despite the expected roughness of the ride, it is more comfortable than being carried in someone’s arms.”
“With the added bonus that nobody has to carry you in their arms.”
“Or drop me. You’ve dropped me before, Emily.”
“You deserved it.” She moved to the front of the group, calling back, “we just keep following this path, right?”
“Yes, the jump point will be obvious.” Emily could hear the hare sniff, annoyed. “I wish I could see where we’re going.”
“Dude, you already know where we’re going. And I’m not carrying this thing on my front like a baby carrier.” Ian adjusted the straps, jostling the hare, who hunched deeper into the wicker, pouting.
Emily wished she had a better sense of time. Even after stuffing it with a stupid amount of film boxes, Tanis had plenty of room for food in her backpack. The folks at the Institute provided her with basics to supplement the C-rations and energy bars she’d brought with her.
Tanis promised Emily that she would aware of when she needed to eat, but Emily continued to fret. None of them had ever tried to find food in the wilds of the Sidhe and she hoped they wouldn’t have to. As long as there were regular stops at villages and the huts of friendly strangers, they’d be fine. Emily was grateful that most Folk ate once in a while, even if they didn’t need to. The pleasure of food was hard to resist.
It didn’t seem like they were in the same forest Emily had been to before with the hare. There was underbrush and the trees were less dense, letting through beams of sun. They came to a spot where the path widened, creating a sort of natural turnout.
Tanis called them to a stop for lunch and Emily asked the hare something she’d always meant to.
“So, the whole Summer Court and Winter Court thing, is that just in stories or is it real?” She leaned up against a tree, rolling cigarettes.
Ian gently set the hare’s basket on the ground and took one of Emily’s cigarettes, cautioning her— “don’t say anyone’s names.”
“I’m not stupid, Ian.”
The hare wriggled out of his carrier and set to cleaning his whiskers of road dust. “They are quite real, obviously.”
“Okay. So, do they take turns doing their thing? How do seasons work?”
“They don’t. The courts compromise on where their demesnes overlap. How they could decide who goes when and where is beyond comprehension, I think each would rather always rule.”
Emily slid her back down the trunk to sit on her heels while she placed the finished cigarettes into a metal case. “I guess they understand that there has to be a balance.”
“What season is it now?” Tanis asked through her sandwich.
“Now is a pretty flexible thing. Here and now, we are where the courts overlap,” the hare tilted his head, twitching his whiskers. “Maybe closer to winter, though I’d thought it was the other one we were nearer.”
“So, it’s pretty much always spring or fall unless you’re right up in one of their kingdoms?” Tanis stood, brushing crumbs off her lap. “That seems nice.” She looked around. “These trees don’t provide a lot of cover. If you could all look over there for a bit while I tend to my human needs?”
The group politely faced away as Tanis stepped off the path. Emily spoke loudly, trying to cover any noises.
“So, who is it we’re going to see, hare?”
“Some friends of mine.” He nibbled a piece of grass thoughtfully.
Ian rolled his eyes, “yeah, but who are these friends?”
“Dwarves. We’ll take a jump tomorrow that brings us to a cave entrance. Their domain stretches underneath a lot of kingdoms and they love gossip. If anyone knows where Abby’s forest is, they will.”
“It’s so weird that you guys wait to ask where we’re going until after we’ve started going there.” Tanis stepped over a fallen tree and looked down at Ian.
He shrugged. “It’s not like Emily or I have contacts here. We have to go with what the hare’s got.”
“Good enough, I guess.” Tanis made a face and swung on her backpack. “Well, shall we continue? Let’s eat some miles before I have to sleep.”
The forest seemed unoccupied but, as they walked Emily saw traces of animals. From her hikes with Tanis she knew that forests always appeared empty until they very much weren’t—a squirrel fight boiling across a path, shadows in the trees dissolving into deer. Emily smiled.
“What?” Tanis elbowed her. They’d been walking next to each other, with Ian and the hare on point.
“I forgot that you used to make me go on hikes.”
“Make? C’mon, you had fun.”
“Sure, that is why mostly now we only walk far enough off road to find a good place for a picnic.”
“It’s a compromise. Like how we only sort of go on drives.”
“Yeah, you’re not super good at those.”
“What are drives?” The hare peered at them, his bright black eyes just clearing the basket’s edge.
Tanis giggled while Emily tried to explain. Cutting short the hare’s follow-up questions, they traded places with Ian, the hare complaining that he’d be bored with no one to talk to.
The square I’d been looking forward to on Fiber Arts Bingo was “Make It Again!” though I also used the “Use The Precious Fabric” square this time. There’s a pattern I’ve made twice already, the Effie Woven Pajama Pants from 5 Out Of 4. The first time I made them as pants, out of grey cotton flannel. I made them a size up so they’re very loose in the leg and they’re brilliant house pants for most of the year here. I then made them as shorts, in a mix of celestial print and yellow (like parti-coloured) cotton flannel, with a wider waist elastic.
The pockets of this pattern are delightfully deep and I wanted a pair of shorts for properly going out so I decided to make a pair using the blue-and-white chequered denim I bought the last time I went to Joann Fabrics. It was the end of a bolt so, a random amount, but I’d loved it when I’d been in there last and I knew I’d never see it again. It’s got a bit of stretch to it, like all modern denim, but not too much. For the pockets I used a grey unknown that is lovely to the touch, maybe a brushed twill? Anyway, they’re a delight and their loose leg fit is much appreciated this hot end of summer.
As shot nicely by Chase in the Ikea parking lot after I found no good mirror there to use, lol.
For the waist this time, I went for a multi-channel approach, because I’m VERY prone to twisting waist elastic and hate it. I pulled the drawstring from a pair of old store-bought house shorts whose butt had worn comically thin (the only salvageable bit of them, annoyingly) and went elastic-drawstring-elastic, which I do consider a top-tier waistband choice. Mostly just need the elastic but heavy pockets or shifting body mean the drawstring is useful when needed.
Also bonus! The elastic twisted when I was running it through so, already had that handled (but the design and fit means I can’t tell when I wear them, so whatever.
After the first wear out I realised the fabric choices were conspiring to flip the pockets wildly around as I walked, which is annoying, so I went and hand-stitched a little detail at the front of them to suggest more strongly how they should lay. Good enough result!
I cannot underline how huge these pockets are. Perfect pocket pattern I will use for all clothing in the future tbh.
Another delightful application of this (free!) pattern. It is funny to me how most people I know or follow who sew do very nice tailored and fit things and my preference is just: loose as hell, how few steps from “this is a rectangle” can I take.
I DO have a far more complicated pants pattern I am eyeing and honestly that final pair will probably set me up to not worry about pants for some time. Delightful!!
“Get some sleep. Who knows how long we’ve been awake.” Emily leaned forward to pull off Tanis’ boots.
“Where’s the bathroom?”
Emily cocked her head. “Huh, I don’t know.” She stood. “I’m going to go ask and also see about getting you some food. Don’t let Ian’s and my weirdness here fuck up your schedule. You still have to do the normal human stuff.”
Tanis finished kicking off her pants and slid under the covers. She already looked half asleep. Emily turned down the lantern by the bed and padded to the door, opening it softly.
“Hey baby?” Tanis’ voice was small.
“Yeah?”
“Will you cuddle me for a little while when you get back? Even if you can’t sleep?”
“Of course. I will find a bathroom for you and then come back for snuggles.”
There was no answer. Emily shut the door carefully behind her and wandered down the hall. She stopped at a room she remembered, pushing the half-open door.
“Devora?” Emily’s voice echoed into an empty room. Even the siren’s sound-proofing was gone. Emily felt sad. She made herself hold onto the feeling, the hollow beneath her ribs, just for a moment. It was something she’d taught the kids.
Leaning against the door frame, she remembered Ian and Tank’s sceptical teenage faces.
“But why relish bummers?” A seventeen-year-old Ian scoffed, folding lanky brown arms he wouldn’t grow into for a year.
“Dude.” Tank shook sun-bleached hair from his eyes in a way that settled it right back in his face. “Feeling shit and giving a shit is our humanity.”
“You’re a hippie.”
“Your moustache sucks.”
Emily had stepped in before it escalated. “Tank’s right. Be Folk, use what skills and powers you get from that, but keep your humanity too.”
“Fine.” Ian shoved Tank, who giggled.
“If you feel bad about your moustache, take a moment to contemplate that.” He dodged another shove. “Your feelings of facial hair inadequacy mean you’re human!”
Emily laughed, remembering how Tank had tripped over his own feet dancing out of Ian’s grasp.
“Ah, human laughter.”
Emily turned to the voice behind her.
“Or not human.” The sphinx sat, twitching her tail.
“Appreciate you noticing. Hey, speaking of humans, do you know if there are like, bathrooms?” Emily held up her hand. “No riddles, don’t be a dick. I’m asking for a friend.”
The sphinx sighed dramatically. “Fine. You’re no fun.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Well, your ‘friend’ will find that there is one conveniently located next to their room.”
“Lady, I don’t want to use the bathroom for fun. I’ve done my time and I’m good Also, how do you even know where the room is?”
“I’m a sphinx. I know lots of things.” She stood with a stretch that unsheathed her claws and padded off, adding over her shoulder, “and the hare sent me to tell you.”
Emily watched the sphinx disappear around a bend before heading back to let Tanis know she didn’t have to worry about wetting the bed. She let her feet guide her back, running her hand against the wall and thinking of the invisible wards and sigils hidden within the plaster. After everybody had grouped into the three trailers and abandoned the rest to dust, Emily taught the kids basic wards, not telling them she was learning while they did it too. Between the Hare and a surprisingly robust selection of library books, they’d freshened up the paint in colours the kids chose, hiding a layer of protection beneath the bright coats. Emily didn’t know if things like that had any real power in the mundane world, but they all felt better afterwards, which was more important.
“Hey babe, turns out it’s right next—” Emily opened the door while talking, stopping when she saw her girlfriend’s soft, sleeping face. Tanis was curled up like she did when she was fully sacked out, the blankets clutched up against her chest. Emily smiled. Tanis was a world-class blanket thief. Getting up in the middle of the night meant a quiet struggle trying to reclaim the covers she’d carelessly abandoned before she could get back into bed.
Her smile faded. She’d known Tanis was half-asleep already but still let herself get caught up in memories and wandering instead of coming right back. Just because she was used to the timeless nothingness of the Sidhe didn’t mean Tanis was. Emily took off her shoes, stumbling once into the footboard and jostling the bed. She froze, but Tanis just tightened her grip on the blankets, a small line between her eyebrows. Carefully, Emily climbed onto the bed, on top of the covers, cradling Tanis’ sleeping form and wrapping her arm around her. She felt Tanis tense then relax against her with a soft exhale. It felt like home.
***
The hare brought them breakfast on a wheeled cart pulled, somehow, by his assistants. He came through the door while Tanis was still under the covers, rubbing her eyes. He had apparently made plans while Tanis slept and Emily stared out the window, trying to figure out what was so off-putting about the winter garden’s night sky.
“I’m coming with you.” The hare shooed his assistants from the covered dishes like flies. “Girls, go get Ian.” The sprites flew off.
“Why the fuck would you do that?” Emily poured coffee for Tanis and fit the mug into her sleep-fumbling hands.
Ian strode in with the hare’s assistants in his wake. He dove at the food like he actually needed it to survive, pausing briefly only to ask if there was enough to share. Tanis was waking up and starting to look annoyed at the amount of people in the small room. She tucked the covers more tightly around her legs. Emily stared down the hare, who still hadn’t answered her question.
“Well?” Emily poured herself a mug of coffee pointed at the hare with it. “We are grateful to you for bringing us food, you’re wonderful, now tell me why you think you’re travelling with us.”
The hare dismissed his assistants and closed the door. “I have a confession to make.” He lifted his nose up, whiskers twitching. “I am unfulfilled as a scientist.”
Emily snorted. “That’s it?”
“That’s a lot!” The hare laid his ears back. “I’ve run out of things to document here, you saw my backlog of unused film. If I accompany you three, then I will most certainly encounter all sorts of things and people. Besides,” he sniffed, “I know a lot more about the expanses of the Sidhe than you.”
“He has a point.” Tanis reached for the bread and jam, but couldn’t quite reach it from the bed.
Emily made a plate for her, adding sausages. “He does. I apologise, hare.”
“Good, it’s settled then. We will leave this evening.”
“Whoa, for where?” Ian spoke with his mouth full. Emily glared at him and he hastily swallowed before adding, “did you find out where Abby’s forest is?”
“No, but I know someone who might know.”
“No. No way.” Emily shook her head vehemently. “I have been down this path with you before.”
The hare spread his paws, exasperated. “There’s no proof the bear died.”
“Other than the giant pool of blood and no body, totally.” Emily folded her arms. “I’m sure Crawburn probably just sauntered off and was never heard from again for personal reasons.”
“It’s possible!” The hare hunched his scruff. “But, despite your objections, it would be in Abby’s best interest that we leave as soon as possible.”
Tanis raised her hand. “Okay. Wow. How about all of you leave, except Emily, so I can put some pants on and talk this over with her.” She frowned at Ian, who had a mouthful of food and looked sad. “Take your plate with you, it’s fine.”
As soon as Ian closed the door, Tanis pointed at Emily. “I really, really have to pee, but you need to explain the bear.”
“He was a guide that the hare knew, one day in the forest we woke up and he was gone.” Emily looked at her reflection in her coffee cup as she spoke.
“Other than the blood.”
“Yeah, other than the blood.”
Tanis did a little hop as she finished pulling on her pants. “Good god, Emily.”
Though it felt flippant, and a lie, Emily could only shrug in response.
***
When Tanis came back from the bathroom, Emily had made the bed and changed into the clothes from the sprites’ village. She’d kept the worn, braided leather belt she had worn with her jeans, but it still sort of worked.
“What I don’t get is why they installed one of those Japanese talking toilets. It’s really out of place that uses kerosene lanterns for light.” Tanis shook her head, then looked again at Emily. “How did you fit those into your little bag?”
Emily blushed. “I snuck them into your backpack.” She awkwardly smoothed her tunic. “Do I look stupid?”
Tanis smiled, eyes crinkling against the lines from the sheets embossed on her face. “You look great.”
They poured more coffee and sat next to each other on the bed, trying not to spill as they leaned into each other.
“We don’t really have a choice, do we?” Tanis leaned forward to grab her plate. Setting it carefully on her knees, she speared a sausage and looked at is suspiciously for a second before biting in. “Should I wonder what this is?”
“No, we don’t really have a choice and meat is meat but I do not think you need to worry that what you’re eating used to talk, or anything.”
“Super reassuring on both ends.”
“Yeah, well.” Emily stared into the dark mirror of her mug. “However duplicitous the hare may be about the edges of things, he doesn’t outright lie. If he says he’ll take us to people who can tell us about Abby, then he will.”
“He’ll just make sure he gets something out of it too.”
“Exactly. Look at how smart you are.” Emily sipped her coffee while Tanis wiped her plate with the last hunk of bread. “It’s funny. When I first came to the Sidhe, I slept pretty much until I was told I didn’t have to.”
“So, you think maybe I don’t have to?”
“I don’t know, your body seemed to shut down pretty naturally. Maybe though, what a person can do here is only what they think they can do, but like, within bounds.”
There was a knock on the door. Emily jumped up to open it, almost spilling Tanis’ coffee and plate. “Shit, sorry.”
“No bigs. Poor Ian, I didn’t mean to leave him out there for so long. I mostly wanted the hare out.”
Ian lounged against the door frame. “So, are we going today, did you guys decide?” He gestured with a plate that looked like it had been licked clean.
“Yeah, little choice, really.”
He nodded, his face very serious. “We should do the Three Musketeers thing, but first, let’s address what you’re wearing.”
“No, let’s not and these are my Sidhe travelling clothes, shut up pre-emptively.” Emily made a face while Tanis bounced on the bed behind her, threatening her coffee further. She leaned over, stretching out her arm and slapped her free hand on top of Ian’s.
“You are such a grump, let’s do this!”
Bullied by the others, Emily added her hand to theirs and chanted, “all for one and one for all!”
posted by bzedan at 11:43pm on 19/08/2026 under journal
In the most recent newsletter I mentioned how I’d wiped my Twitter. It was a thoughtfully made choice, because other places I’m online I’ve kept the back catalogue there for browsing. I’ve mentioned before that you can go back pretty dang far on the blog here, and over at Flickr the archives go back over twenty years, lol.
Shoot, I went on a walk and what was I going to keep saying.
Oh. So, anyway, mostly what I love is seeing growth and delighting in the things one made a million years ago. It’s very cool to see the path of someone’s creativity!!! A while ago (years) I ripped a bunch of the VHS I have of short animations and films I made in high school and I finally sat down to edit them and pull out a few to share.
The quality of this tape, which had been recorded over at least three times before, is pristine.
As an adult so often you’re like, trying to recapture the “fuck it, let’s make shit” from times before self consciousness and the fear of possible embarrassment hindered you before you began. When I was making these weird little animations or puppeting a truly motley collection of action figures around, I was just making stuff to make stuff. And I still do, I make a lot of stuff, but it’s taken work to get back to being like “who gives a shit if you can see the strings?”
And, the simple silly joy of it is why I’m going to share what is basically some home movies. First though, I’ve got to go do my best to make some scores again, as one of the shorts has an incredibly poorly synced soundtrack of “The Pusher” by Steppenwolf, played from my record player in the room while recording (this is before I learned how to mess around with audio cables and dub sound over).
I might as well also mention that in all this editing and digital cutting of tape, I found a lot of very pretty static and snow stills and made a free asset pack over on itch for folks to use.
<iframe frameborder="0" src="https://itch.io/embed/4912252?linkback=true" width="552" height="167"><a href="https://bzedan.itch.io/analogue-static-and-snow-pack">Analogue Static & Snow Pack by bzedan</a></iframe>
The three of them sat in the summer garden, Ian and Tanis at opposite ends of an ornate stone bench, Emily stretched flat in the dry prickly grass.
“It could be a day or a hundred years gone by if we go back now.” Ian kicked at a clump of dirt. He’d apologised constantly until Emily told him to stop.
“We might as well forge ahead.” Emily stretched, rubbing her bare feet on the grass. “It’s the same logic as taking our time coming here.”
Tanis fiddled with a strap on the backpack next to her. “Everyone is going to worry.”
“I only had a couple of shifts left before my time off and your boss pretty much told you to stop coming in.” Emily threw an arm over her eyes to block the sun. “He’ll probably just shrug and start marking it as PTO.”
“But my folks—” Tanis slumped back.
Ian tried to sound positive. “We can send letters.”
“True. Whatever time they do show up, at least we’ll have done our due diligence. Babe, you can send one to your folks that says we went on vacation early. I’ll send an apology to my boss, who will probably chalk it up to young love and mentally note to chide me when I return, and also ask if I finally proposed.” Emily kicked her foot at Ian. “Where’s paper?”
“The fox lady has some, but I think she only has dip pens.”
Emily rubbed her face with both hands. “Be a doll and get us letter writing stuff, please.”
After Ian left, shoulders drooping, Emily turned her face to look up at Tanis, sitting tensely still other than her fingers folding the loose strapping of the backpack. She patted the ground next to her. “Lay down, calm down.”
Tanis lay close, curling onto her side to stare at Emily.
“You wanted to come.”
“But—”
“Not like this, I know. It looks like my bad luck wasn’t done with you.” She shifted, touching her forehead to Tanis’. “I’m really sorry, baby.”
“How are you so calm?”
Emily sighed, then wrapped her arm around Tanis, her curly gold head on her chest. “Because, if I didn’t stay calm, I’d tear Ian apart.” She closed her eyes against the garden’s sun. “And, I don’t know. Something about this place makes me forget, makes me worry less. You shouldn’t examine things too closely here—bad things can turn horrible if you think about them too much.
“You know I used to have nightmares about getting stuck here? The kind where no matter how fast you move it’s like pushing through water and you can’t hold anything right?”
“You still have nightmares.” Tanis’ voice was muffled, she tilted her head up, adding clearly, “you kick.”
“So you’ve told me.” Emily kissed her hair. “Well, I don’t remember them anymore. But my point is,”
“You have a point?”
“Shut up. My point is that even though I am now essentially living a nightmare, I have you with me, so it isn’t that bad. And I have a goal other than escaping, which is even better.”
“You’re really bad at sentiment.”
Emily tickled Tanis, who squealed and slapped wildly until she could wriggle free. They grinned at each other.
“Interrupting something?” Ian held a stack of paper and a fist full of pens.
“Don’t be gross.” Emily wrinkled her nose. “That’s probably more stuff than we need.”
“Yeah, I think the fox lady was excited to learn that I’m literate.” He handed Emily and Tanis paper and let them pick pens. “I was just glad she had regular things to write with and that I didn’t have to bring a pot of ink with me.
“The kitsune has a name.” Emily sat up and scootched closer to the bench to use it as a writing surface. “A use-name, I mean.”
“Yeah, but then I wouldn’t get that song in my head when I call her fox lady.” He hummed, playing air guitar.
“You’re so weird, Ian.” Tanis shook her head and started her letter.
***
Tanis held Emily’s hand as she dropped her letter through the jump point. She bit her lip. “So weird.” They stood with their toes on a border that had been chalked around the broken pieces of wood from the artifact Emily had broken to make the passage.
“Yeah.” Emily squeezed her hand. “So near and so impossibly far.” She turned her head so that her front porch shimmered briefly into focus from the corner of her eye.
They gathered Ian from the scrying lab and headed towards the rooms the hare had found for them.
“How big is this place?” Tanis ran a hand along the wall. “Is it underground?”
“It’s as big as it needs to be.” Ian smiled. “And it just is, not underground or above it. There are maps, but they’re not always useful.”
“There are maps?” Emily looked surprised.
Ian was smug. “Yep. You’re not the only one to spend lots of time here.”
“You have me to thank for that.”
“True.”
Tanis frowned at the branching halls they passed. “Do people get lost?”
“You figure it out.” Emily shrugged. “And you can always ask someone for directions. You’ve got a fifty-fifty chance they’ll point you in the right way.”
Tanis’ frown stayed as they passed a very palpable shadow.
Ian clapped her on the shoulder. “Worst someone here can do is creep you out. Nobody eats anybody at the Institute.” He opened a door. “Here’s me. You two are across the hall.”
Emily and Tanis entered a simple, small room with rough plastered walls and a window.
“Pretty spartan.” Tanis peeked under the bed.
“That’s why I called it the monastery until they told me to stop. It’s properly called the ‘Institute of Studies.’”
“Oh, that’s a nice, explanatory name.”
“Hey, you can see out!” Tanis pulled up the sash. “Oof, it’s cold. And dark.” She leaned over the sill.
Emily dropped her bag on a chair. “That must be the winter garden.” She peered over Tanis’ shoulder. “It’s a bitch to get out of, so don’t go through the window.”
“I wouldn’t.” Tanis was defensive. “Anyway, they have a garden for each season? Are they inside giant rooms, or something?”
“Or something.”
Tanis shut the window. “There’s a lot of ‘or somethings’ here.”
“Yeah.” Emily sat on the bed. “Things are super defined and not at the same time.”
“Speaking of ill-defined, what’s the ‘or something’ about everyone’s parents?” Tanis flopped backwards onto the mattress. Their combined weight sagged the rope supports and Emily tilted towards Tanis.
“So, my deal with the king was that I’d kill his wife and everyone could go back. There was a contract and everything. But it didn’t say that they would get to return under their former status. Or that they’d been forgiven for inciting the civil war.
“I don’t think they thought about that. They all just blithely marched through the arbour. But none of that group had ever been big on incidentals.” Emily leaned back on her elbows, shifting the weight again so that Tanis rolled into her. Emily felt a hand touch hers. “I don’t know what happened to all of them. Most fell off the map. Matty’s folks were smart and high-tailed it to a different kingdom. Tank’s parents were killed or disappeared, the idiots just waltzed back into the throne room like nothing had happened.”
“What about your aunt?”
“Janice spent some time here at the Institute and then took off. Her last letter was about going on adventures again, like she had before she met the king. She was the only innocent, so she had nothing to worry about.”
“And Becky?”
Emily shook her head. “She was some sort of scribe or record keeper. Janice said she’d seen her around the Institute a couple of times, but that’s all I’ve ever heard of her.”
“So, you guys are really all alone?”
“What?” Emily looked down at Tanis, the sleepiness of her eyes overlaid with a familiar mix of concern and confusion. “Of course we’re not alone, we have each other.”
posted by bzedan at 10:04pm on 13/08/2026 under journal
One of the big overarching themes of this year’s goals was “finish things.” So far that’s been going really well and feeling really good! I work in (sometimes too many) a lot of mediums and have lots of things I want to do and some things I’m quite satisfied putting a little in as I can, like how I have all my writing projects organised.
Obviously, the big one is finishing The Consoling Divide for real, which included being done with querying it. It’ll keep ticking away now, every week (including a bunch of scheduled social media posts about it, bless, hooray) for about a year, at which point it’ll be done-done, but basically it’s just winding it’s clock down now, as far as I’m concerned (which means I do struggle to remember to promote it beyond the scheduled posts).
I finished a quilt and am, if not as regularly as I like, making bits of clothing and actually working through the “this fabric would be good for [this]” thoughts. I do not want to move a bunch of fabric again! I want to move items, haha. Also let’s all shed a single tear for this great fashion denim I got in my last trip to Joann Fabrics ever:
Honestly, bigger to me than finishing a book is finishing my Tumblr tagging project. Ahh, delightful metadata. So many weird old tags removed and I have such an easier time finding what I want now.
My next thing is going through the files I’d ripped from VHS of little videos I made in high school and finding ones that still amuse me. I plan to follow up this nice enough, scored and subtitled and everything process video with some incredibly stupid little stop motion animations I made like 25 years ago. I’d transferred those files ages and ages ago, they need to do more than just sit on my hard drive(s)!
Overall, I guess, when I sit down at the start of each year to plan out what I want to do, I am trying to chip away at the million things I’ve begun and still love. Previous years of this particular planner and goal system I was reaching to far and wide with my intended goals, but this year I might have hit everything spot on. And that feels awesome. Making! Things! Achievable!!
Maybe it took me six years to finish a video, so what, it’s now done and I’m happy about it. I’m never gonna finish all the stuff I want to do but I can keep chipping away at it!! And I think that’s pretty good.
I hadn’t realised I’d read so many books until I was typing out the alt text for the images. Nine! Nearly the same number of pages as June though (like stats matter, just interesting). Not as many winners this month, but it’s not always that we find a new series and suck it down like a shake.
Genre smart isekai/portal, with delicious twists and complications, my beloved.
Listen, sometimes something is just Your Shit ™, and you’re aware of the flaws but who cares. I am a deep and faithful sucker for the general concepts of whatever this genre of isekai or portal or whatever fantasy. Because I read a lot of old sci-fi and fantasy as a kid I cut my teeth on stories about young boys who suddenly found themselves to be grown man barbarians, while watching movies about people getting sucked into their books or devil-infested cable boxes. I love this shit. That said!! This book sure had a lot of white characters? Which was weird. It’s like having a book full of straight people to me, like where do you live.
The descriptions of people are robust, because this is that kind of book, and there are a lot of kinds of bodies (a couple of broad broads, even) and faces and noses but so often the skin tone description was some variant of “beige.” Which is a Correct Word, but also feels like a shy kid trying to learn how to be fun at summer camp. Good for beige. But there was a lot of beige. Or tanned. Maybe some sand. It was enough I was startlingly aware when characters were not. Still loved the book! Just found that very interesting. Maybe in the next book we’ll be in a different land and the base skin colour will be something else.
Delightful horror, as always. Lot of nasty, grody moments in this one but what made me say “ugh” out loud was the description of an aerial tram, lol.
Yucky, love it! Not as much as Lucky Day, which remains my fave of Tingle’s traditionally published horror, but what a concept. As usual, the story builds and builds in weird and horrible ways until it bursts (literally-ish) into the climax. Also bonus: I learned that no thanks I will not be trying the aerial tram in Palm Springs probably (I like the one in Portland that goes to OHSU, it feels like a shuttle docking at a space station).
Layers on layers I love a book within a book and this is a nesting doll of the type.
Chase read this and alerted me to it, because they know what I love and this was two of them: The Great Depression (!) and story-as-form. This was particularly fun as I’ve read plenty of the kind of stories that the first and second layers are masquerading as, and they hit the tone spot-on. Then the third layer is just altogether more interesting and the final, fourth layer!! A treat at the end that you dig from the packing peanuts and bubble wrap and thoughtful packaging.
I’ve begun re-reading some of my favourite physical books in my library, trying to catch up to my intent to read at least one a month. I’d been meaning to do it via these gorgeous mid century sci-fi and horror novels Chase’s mom rescued from a book donation, but they’ve been mid so far and made me lose faith. Hence the print book: I’m back to reading my deeply re-read horse racing mysteries.
Anyway!
A friend had shared a video summarising the whole mess of production for the 1963 Cleopatra and I will rarely watch an essay video but I realised I (who have delighted in the relevant, epic section of the wikipedia entry), could look to see if there are tell-alls. And of course there are, and My Life with Cleopatra: The Making of a Hollywood Classic by Joe Hyams, Walter Wanger came out like, contemporary to the movie and is dishy as hell. It’s a breeze of a read and had me eye-emoji the whole time.
Japanese Gothic by Kylie Lee Baker and Space Invaders: A Novel by Nona Fernández with Natasha Wimmer as translator I picked up thanks to reviews from the always wonderful rachelmanija on Dreamwidth, both books I enjoyed and wouldn’t have found otherwise.
Tanis and Emily requested vacation time from their respective employers and got it. Emily’s boss seemed relieved.
“It’s been almost five years you’ve worked here and I dunno if you’ve taken a sick day, let alone an actual vacation. You can’t run yourself down.”
Emily smiled, not knowing how to respond.
“You going with that lady of yours?” The cafe owner grinned while she initialled the cash drop. She’d been slow to realise that Tanis wasn’t more than just a friend of Emily’s, but could now be relied on to occasionally tease them about making it official.
“Yeah, Tanis and I are going on a trip.”
“Well, you girls have fun!” With a leer that had only the purest intentions behind it, she took the bank envelope and left.
Emily exhaled with relief at avoiding questions about their ‘vacation’ and focused on plotting the upcoming schedules, easing off the hours she was there so the other morning barista could get used to the routine.
Tanis had nearly as smooth a time, though for a less wholesome reason. It turned out the program she worked for was losing funding. Her boss was apologetic, Tanis was horrified.
“He said, ‘I suggest you just line up all your PTO and take it as soon as possible. I am betting we won’t be able to buy you out when we close up shop.” Tanis shook her head, shocked. “I mean, I know how employment is, with how the world is now, but? Ugh. And he said there’s little reason to keep coming in, either.”
“Your life has been super lucky.” Emily pulled her close, resting her cheek in Tanis’ hair. “Family, college, job out of college, grad school, then a better job?” She pushed back on Tanis’ shoulders to look her in the eye. “But then, you had to find me.” Emily gave a crooked smile. “Some of my bad luck must have rubbed off—to balance out all the good luck of having you.”
“You are super sweet and super fucked up. But thank you.” She snuggled closer again. Emily could hear Tanis’ voice echoing through her skull into her cheek, muffling the words. “I wonder if we can move up the time table?”
“Well, we could do recon if you’re feeling antsy. Are you packed?”
“Not yet, but I guess I have time to do it now.”
“Pack some basics in the backpack I gave you and we can pop in the next time Ian has an evening off.”
Tanis called Emily later that evening as she packed. “I know it’s just a day trip, but I want to be prepared.”
“Girl scout.”
“Well, yeah.”
“Wait, you were a Girl Scout?”
“I’ve told you this. I was for years. It’s how I first encountered self-defence training.” There were crinkling sounds over the speaker.
“Are you packing candy?”
“No, Pavlov’s dog, I am packing energy bars. Real ones.”
“Why?”
“Well, some Sidhe-info know-it-all pointed out that I’m just a boring human who’ll still get hungry. And who knows what’s edible, or has the right vitamins.”
“Vitamins.”
“I’m not getting scurvy in fairyland.”
“Like a pirate.”
“Focus.”
Emily walked down the porch stairs into the evening-cool grass and lay down, staring at the stars, feeling the grass tickle her ear along the border of the phone. “Focusing.”
“Besides, the only way to see if the backpack’s magic works for me is to try it. So, I’ll pack it full and see how it wears over the time we’re there.”
“You are full of brains.”
“Are you drinking.”
“No. But I think I have that close-to-death whimsical mania. Joy interspersed by stomach-dropping terror.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“You don’t know. Tanis, it’s such a world of imagination that you can’t imagine it. But at the same time, it’s less than nothing.”
“Don’t think about it.”
“What?”
“Honey, I know I’ve been at you to open up, but you obviously have a strong coping mechanism in packing shit away until you can deal with it. If you don’t feel like you can keep it together right now, it is okay to just not worry about it. I give you permission to bottle it up.”
“But—”
“Only if you promise to uncork the damn bottle later with me so we can work that shit out.”
“Baby,” Emily sniffled.
“C’mon, give me your word, I know you fairies live for that shit.”
“Micro-agression. But, I give you my word.”
Tanis snickered and Emily joined in. She watched the stars slowly spin around the pole while she listened to Tanis pack.
***
“So, we should only be gone a couple of hours at most. I just want to get some info.” Emily tried to keep her tone casual. She made regular visits to the Sidhe to give the hare film. This would be no different, except she wouldn’t make the trip as fast as possible and she’d be with Tanis. She glanced at her girlfriend, who was kitted out in her most comfortable and worn-in hiking gear, her hair perfectly golden in the strong, late afternoon sun.
Ian gently shook Emily by the shoulder. “Chill, lady.”
She swatted his hand away, smiling behind her frown. With the rhythm of habit, she patted her pockets and tapped her small shoulder bag. She’d packed film for the hare, rolling tobacco, her Polaroid, spare film for it and a lighter. She’d slung a sweatshirt over the bag, ever the kind of person who always takes an extra layer, even in the summer. Her knife sat on her belt, a distantly familiar weight.
Rolling her eyes as she went through her pockets again, Emily pulled out her keys and wallet. “Man, I never remember.” She handed them over to Ian.
“Why leave them here?” Tanis cocked her head.
“Because it’d suck if I lost my keys somewhere in there, or if some shit stole my I.D. or something.”
“Also, it’s got your name on it,” Ian added. “Folk can read English.”
“Through my pants?” Tanis rolled her eyes, but handed her keys and money clip over. Emily had already warned her about the power of names in the Sidhe.
“You ready?” Emily grabbed Tanis’ hand.
“Totally, besides, I already went once with the boys.” She squeezed Emily’s hand.
“Fine then.” Emily took a deep breath and poked Ian in the arm. “Be good.”
“Always.” He flopped onto the ground, half in and half out of the arbour.
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